When I was young and in my teens and 20's I was always the life of the party (surprise!), organizing events and rush chairman of my college sorority. That is why, when I got married and had my first baby at 25, I didn't know what hit me when I got home from the hospital. It actually started AT the hospital and much to my surprise I was crying as the nurse rolled me out to the car with my newborn, perfect, healthy baby and my doting husband. What is wrong with me?? Ahh…"baby blues" I was told. Humm…I guess I had read "What to Expect…" and chalked it up to that. As the days, then weeks rolled on, I knew it was something more. I could cry day and night. My body was reacted physically by not eating, sleeping, and frankly, I was a wreck. When I went to my doctor (who was and is a friend) I was told that it would pass, and sure enough, after 3-4 long months of hell, it started to become more of a low simmer and less of a raging fire. Granted, I never wanted to hurt the baby or myself, I felt alone in a dark (we lived in Seattle so this was LITERAL) world where everyone was going about their schedules and routines and I was an ungrateful, sulking mom.
It was 5 years later, we had moved back to Colorado, and I was pregnant with my second son. I felt a low boil starting, went straight to my doctor, and together we made a plan for what is now termed "post partum depression". This was the "D" word. I was nuts, crazy, unstable and embarrassed to tell anyone. All it took was delivery, and once again I was in tears day and night. This time, my sister and Mom were present to see the results and encouraged me to make the call to the doctor. I'll never forget the appointment. I sat in the waiting room, unable to hold back my tears. It took the doctor about 20 seconds to realize that I was the poster child for PPD. It's easy to deny when you are the go-getter, the encourager, the party planner. This was real because this meant drugs…no more nursing. When you are married to Mr. "glass half full" it is very hard to explain. It is a sort of emptiness, aloneness, an empty bucket. The outspoken, opinionated wife and mom are gone. Common in your everyday language are the phrases: "That's fine" and "I don't care". It lasts longer than 2 weeks ("baby blues") and most likely, you need help. I went on 2 meds, and within 3 months I was well, and off the meds.
8 years ago I lost someone dear to my heart. He was a gorgeous, smart, and kind beyond words young man. He was more of a friend…he was my nephew. When he was gone, the cloud returned and this time it was for good. I always think of it like this: Your life is a big bucket (like the ones at the gardening centers). When you throw stress into the bucket one or two at a time, your mind and spirit can handle it. Say you get a ticket on the way to taking your kids to school and then your kid comes home sick with the stomach flu later in the day. Crummy day, but you change the sheets, write the check, tuck everyone in and the next day the world looks different. When you have depression and the bucket gets full and starts to tip and the symptoms return from their long reprieve. Too much in the bucket! (in my case a potential move, new job, major surgery, kid in college, hs senior making decisions, traveling and commuting husband…)
I have come a long way. My mentality about sharing this has come a long way. God puts pain in our lives and sometimes we just don't get it! Frankly, it feels crappy and at the time you don't really care what the "purpose" is. My encouragement to you is to HANG ON and GET HELP if you need it. I have shared this with so many new young moms and adults too. This can run in families and I am thankful that there is not as much stigma in society about it. Your body is not responding normally and you may need help. Some people find help holistically, but this has not been my experience.
I am pretty bad about "staying on" typically telling myself 3-4 times a year, "I'm fine"! Most recently, last spring I was off for a couple of months and got pretty high on myself ("I HAVE CONQUERED!") until I found myself crying at graduations and commercials on TV. I know better. I AM better.
This month has been a struggle (maybe it is hospitals!), but I know there is help, and friends, and my family who love me. ….
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" Psalm 30:5
" I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint" Jer: 31:25
The cloud is lifting! Today is a new day! Have a great one Coffee Talk Peeps!
CTM
A great note. Love your transparency. There is a semi-famous blog entry on this topic at http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html. Don't know if you've seen it. (Warning...a few unpretty words.)
Posted by: Jhuschka | 11/02/2012 at 06:50 AM